


I Was Getting Kinda Used to Being Someone You Loved

by HolyCoconut



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angry Kissing, Connor's bandmates parent the hell out of him, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Famous Connor Murphy, Famous Jared Kleinman, Love Triangles, M/M, Me pretending to know how to write music, Other, Post-Break Up, Sloppy Makeouts, yeah you heard me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:08:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyCoconut/pseuds/HolyCoconut
Summary: He doesn't consider himself a good person, really. At least, not in the traditional sense. Don’t get him wrong, Connor doesn’t commit arson or kick puppies or go out of his way to hurt kids’ feelings or whatever. Connor doesn't want to hurt anyone, and he tries to be kind, really he does, but some people love trying his patience.Waiting in the wings, was Jared Kleinman.





	1. Chapter 1

He doesn’t consider himself a good person, really. At least, not in the traditional sense. Don’t get him wrong, Connor doesn’t commit arson or kick puppies or go out of his way to hurt kids’ feelings or whatever. But he’s no saint.

And just because he knew, doesn’t mean his fans did. In front of them he was sweet, calm, kind, and he could shred a guitar. They didn’t need to hear about his personal life, and Connor liked keeping it that way.

As far as anyone knew, the Connor Murphy from high school was dead. He cleaned up his act immediately once he hit the road. Now, very few people remember the angry, lonely kid that punched lockers and shoved anxious stuttering blonds who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Connor finished his set and smiled, brushing his wild brown hair off his slightly sweaty forehead. He stared over the cheering crowd and grabbed hold of the microphone. He gave his usual outro and swung his guitar around, so it rested on his back with a final kiss blown to the audience.

Waiting in the wings, was Jared Kleinman. He was the lead in a rival band, and he also happened to be one of the very few that remembered the real him and detested him for it. Jared’s eyes were icy, and Connor wouldn’t be surprised if he started foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. Venue owners loved to put their bands after each other, just to cause more tension.

Connor smiled warmly and nodded at Jared as he passed. He knew he and his bandmates did amazing, so there was no need to worry. Jared seemed to be getting held back by his group. “Be careful Jared, you might pop a vein.” Connor commented with a false, sugary voice. Jared dug his teeth into his lip until it bled.

“You–!” Jared’s band was called to the stage and Connor smiled as he watched him get basically dragged away. It was incredibly annoying that they were put on tour at the same time to nearly the same venues, but Connor knew it was for the popularity. For some reason, the internet ate rivalries up. People either favored Connor or Jared exclusively, or they wanted them to date or just simply resolve their problems. Connor’s seen the tabs with fanfiction dedicated to them making up. It was kind of comical really, since people didn’t know just how far their arguments actually went.

“Connor,” A girl took ahold of his arm. She was wearing torn jeans and a black t-shirt that was purposefully bleached. Her name was Andrea, and Connor met her in college. “Don’t tell me you’re going to wait outside to fight Jared again.”

She was also effectively, his second mom.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.” Connor smiled and she didn’t seem convinced. Connor personally wouldn’t be, considering he comes back after every show with bruises and a smirk on his face.

“Be careful.” She repeated, helping collect their equipment. Their group was fairly small compared to some, but Connor liked to think they were close. There was himself as the lead and guitarist, Andrea, the drummer and singer, and Jamie, who dabbled in almost everything. Jamie always looked out of place, considering they don’t like dressing ‘trashy and emo’ like Connor and Andrea do. Jamie tends to wear light colors and sometimes cutesy frilly things, but they also had a talent for being able to scream louder and deeper than anyone Connor’s ever met.

Jamie smiled at Connor as they packed up and Connor returned it, stepping through the back door to wait behind the venue. Jared’s group would finish soon and then he’d be out for blood.

Connor couldn’t imagine Jared had performed perfectly considering Connor decided to give him that last jab before stepping away. He actually wouldn’t be surprised at all if Jared came out and throttled him for fucking with him right before going up.

Of course, that’s exactly what Jared does.

Connor is held against the wall, Jared’s hands on his shoulders, and a murderous look in the shorter man’s eyes. Connor smiled calmly back at him.

“Something the matter?” Connor asked with a grin and Jared scoffed, leaning closer. His glasses were close enough to almost stab Connor in the nose.

“Don’t play dumb, asshole. You know well and good you fucked up my performance.” Connor didn’t like giving Jared props, but when the brunet was relaxed, Jared was actually pretty talented. Not as talented as him obviously, but still enough for Connor to know Jared probably didn’t fuck up as much as he thought.

“Did I?” The cheeky grin Connor gave him got his head slammed against the wall and lips on his.

“You’re such a cunt, I don’t know why everyone likes you so much.” Jared growled against his mouth, lifting Connor’s legs off the floor. This wasn’t an unusual occurrence Connor had to admit. Sometimes they beat the shit out of each other to blow off steam, but most of the time they had weird angry make out sessions.

If their fans knew they’d lose their shit.

“Same goes for you, I don’t know how Evan can stand you.” Jared bit hard on his lip for that one and Connor smirked. Evan Hansen, the aforementioned anxious blond, had been Jared’s number one fan since before Jared got famous. He’s always been there for Jared, and Connor has a feeling that Jared is too much of a pussy to ask him out.

That or he doesn’t want to freak Evan out with fame.

Jared suddenly pulled away, wiping his mouth. “Alright, get lost. I have to help everyone pack up.”

Connor fixed up his clothes, rebuttoning his shirt while Jared checked his hair in his phone camera. Connor readjusted his pants and Jared laughed at him in a cruel mocking way.  
“What’s wrong Murphy? Are your skinny jeans feeling a little too tight?”

Connor scoffed, “As if, you suck at kissing.”

Jared rolled his eyes, “Yeah sure, I’m the one that sucks. At least I don’t drool like a fucking dog.”

Connor got off the wall, brushing his hair out of his face. “See you in LA, douchebag.”

Connor made his way into the tour bus and Jamie looked at him knowingly. “Did Jared punch you in the mouth again?” They asked with a teasing glint in their eyes. Connor blushed and scoffed. It certainly felt like a punch since Jared likes to channel his hatred into every kiss.

“Sure, punched, let’s go with that.” Connor got behind the wheel and Andrea sat in the passenger seat after shutting the doors and locking up. Once they left the windows open and that didn’t go terribly well considering fans were always on the lookout for their bus.

“Are you feeling alright?”

Connor turned to Andrea with a slightly forced smile. “Course! Why?” She sighed and pointed at his jeans. Connor bit the inside of his cheek. “I am a grown ass man; I’m allowed to fuck.”

“I’d be completely alright with that if it wasn’t Jared Kleinman that you were fucking. What if this got out, huh? All of Jared’s friends know, what if they told someone?”

It was common knowledge that Connor got along with every member of Jared’s band except the lead himself. In fact, Jamie seemed to be dating one of them, though Connor wasn’t sure which. Maybe it was Christine? The girl was peppy and upbeat like Jamie was, and she also tended to look out of place. It would make sense, but Connor couldn’t remember for the life of him.

“They’re not gonna do jack shit because that would fuck up their image as well.” Connor said, pointedly not looking at her to avoid her eyes. She had the ability to scold Connor with a simple look and Connor wasn’t in the mood for the chill that went down his spine.

“Whatever you say, but if this comes back to bite you in the ass, it’s all on you. I’m not going to answer any interviews on it.” She said definitively taking out her phone to post a story on Instagram. She was very keen on keeping up a social platform, while Connor was the opposite. He didn’t even have a Facebook.

Jamie leaned over his seat and wrapped their arms around Connor’s neck. “Hey, what motel are we staying at this time?” They asked, peering down at the map resting over the brunet’s legs.

“Probably motel 6, but honestly I’m sick of people finding us and trying to stalk our room.” They had to leave early on some trips because of some crazed fans that saw their tour bus parked behind the motel. It wasn’t huge because there were only three of them, and it wasn’t painted or anything like that either, though they could certainly afford it. Connor liked keeping everything lowkey, but that just made people want to find them more.

It honestly kept him awake most nights. Sometimes he worried that he’d get murdered, because it wasn’t that uncommon.

“We could always stop at a different one.” Jamie suggested, yawning through their answer. Connor looked at them and noticed their eyeshadow was smudged. 

“I guess.” Connor stopped to check his own makeup and yeah, his eyeliner was more smudged than it was supposed to be, and his lipstick got fucked up from Jared smashing their lips together. It was all smeared across his mouth, and he’s kind of annoyed that no one told him.

“I’ll check online for anything open. I think tonight will be fine though, there weren’t that many people at the show.” Andrea was right, because well, she was always right, but Connor was still paranoid. He couldn’t wait until this tour was over.

He can’t remember the last time he visited home or got a decent night’s sleep. And… that probably wasn’t good for his illness. Nothing bad has happened yet, but he has accidentally skipped his meds a few times.

Andrea finds an open Days Inn and they head inside. It was easy checking in but unpacking and making sure the bus went unnoticed was always the hard part. Andrea and Connor grabbed the bags, and while Jamie went to park the bus, someone across the parking lot met eyes with the taller man.

“No fucking way.” Jared fucking Kleinman was standing there, his own bag in hand with an arm around Evan Hansen’s waist. The rest of his group were gone for some reason, and Connor stared at him in surprise.

“Can’t get enough of me, huh Jared?” Connor taunted, one hand on his hip. Evan looked incredibly nervous, blushing bright red and averting his eyes.

“Oh my god, you think I picked this place because you’re here? I knew you were full of yourself but this is kind of a new level, huh?” Jared scowled and Connor knew he was getting under his skin. Jamie came back with the room key and sighed when they saw Jared and Connor standing far apart and arguing like gun-slingers.

“Whatever, stay the fuck away from me, creep.” Jared turned away and so did Connor, who immediately met the wrath of Jamie Rodriguez.

“Did you have to start shit in the parking lot, Connie? Do you want people to find us?” They asked, hands on their hips. Connor smiled and it fell flat when he saw the dark look in Jamie’s eyes.

“Hey, I didn’t start anything I just– OW” Jamie grabbed Connor by the ear and pulled him to the motel room, key in hand.

Connor glanced over and saw Jared opening the door to the room right next to them. Both men groaned.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jared Kleinman’s shit taste.” Connor growled, his nails digging into his palms.  
> “He likes the same stuff as you.” Jamie pointed out.

The tension between Jared and Connor was palpable. If Connor leaned up to lick the air, he’s sure he’d be able to taste Jared’s anger and hatred.

The shorter man glared at him icily, unlocking his door with an aggressive twist of his hand. Jared had yet to say anything and Connor felt a smirk grow on his face. Evan Hansen was standing behind Jared with the biggest eyes he’d ever seen, looking like he wants out. Connor didn’t really blame him.

“What’s so funny, fucker?” Jared bit out and Connor tried to stop smiling but it was proving difficult.

“Oh, nothing – JAMIE JESUS FUCK!” Jamie grabbed him by the hair this time, apologizing to Jared with a sunny smile on their face. They practically threw Connor in the room and Andrea followed when Jared decided to speak up.

“Control your fucking dog.” Jared hissed, stepping into his motel room. He didn’t catch Jamie’s frown.

Connor and Jamie went through their routine of cleaning their faces and getting changed in the bathroom while Andrea unpacked some of the things they needed. Along with having to be on tour, they were working on another album and it took up almost all of their free time.

Jamie suggested having a story behind each song or something like that, but Connor couldn’t think of an idea that didn’t involve anything personal. Their first album was about a person with anger that couldn’t be contained, but inside they didn’t want to hurt anyone, and kept getting angrier and more frustrated when they kept hurting people around them.

Obviously, Connor wrote most of the songs, but Jamie was the one singing them. (read: screaming them.) Clearly it was a mistake to put his actual feelings in them, because there were theories about Jamie having anger issues and conspiracy videos about one or all the band members being ‘insane or schizophrenic.’ (Thankfully no one managed to dig up Connor’s past).

Since then, Connor’s written about generic angry things.

Things for teenagers, like their parents not leaving them alone or college or high school, or broader things like school shootings and how fucked the economy is. People liked their first songs more, but Connor wouldn’t budge when Andrea pushed him to write more.

At least it didn’t deplete their popularity too much.

“Ah, you’ve got something on your face.” Jamie poked at a smudge on Connor’s cheek right as he was going to walk out, and the brunet grumbled under his breath. Jamie wiped it off for him and shooed him out because they needed to shower.

Andrea was sitting on one of the beds, dressed in a pair of Connor’s pajama pants and one of their own band tees. “Did you buy our merch?” Andrea gave him a lazy lopsided grin and a shrug.

“I needed something to sleep in and these are comfy.” The tee looked battered and torn, but he has to admit it did look comfortable. “Okay so, on more important things. This next song sucks big time.”

Connor looked over the lyrics and. Yikes she was right. “Yeah, I’m not really seeing a flow.” She nodded in agreement and wiped the graphite off her fingers onto her pajama pants. Or more accurately, Connor’s pajama pants.

“Should we scrap it entirely? Cause I’m not getting like, a good enough vibe from it. I don’t know what we were going for.” She said, brushing her hair away from her face, trying to focus on the paper. 

The water started running in the bathroom and Connor sighed. Jamie usually took forty-minute showers. “Looks like they’re not helping us anytime soon.” Connor commented, snatching the paper from Andrea to scribble in some half-assed lines in an attempt to fix the wreck that this song is.

Andrea immediately crossed them out. “Look, Connor. You need to write from the heart, or this is gonna blow.” She looked at him and Connor avoided her eyes. “Is there anything you’d be comfortable sharing?”

Connor remembers his brown eyes, his smile, the freckles on his cheeks, the hurt on his face when Connor ran away, the tears streaming down those beautiful sun-kissed cheeks when Connor turned and never looked back…

“I… maybe.” Connor took the paper and started writing a little slower. Eventually it started flowing a little better. Connor had almost finished the song when loud music from the room over startled him, his pen streaking the paper.

“You alright?” Andrea piped up, having not spoken to avoid breaking him out of his daze.

Connor huffed angrily, glaring at the wall that separated him from the worst person on the planet. “I was until that asshole turned his radio on.” He hissed, squeezing the pen in his fingers. Andrea placed her hands on Connor’s knees gently.

“Hey, you don’t know if it’s his music. It could be anyone.” She soothes, taking the pen from him. That was the wrong move because now Connor needed something to do with his hands. He clenched them at his sides and felt his spine go rigid.

Jamie walked in, their hair wet and dripping onto the front of their shirt. “What’s that sound?” Jamie asked, squeezing their hair out into a towel. They looked concerned once their eyes landed on Connor.

“Jared Kleinman’s shit taste.” Connor growled, his nails digging into his palms.

“He likes the same stuff as you.” Jamie pointed out, pulling their phone out from their pocket. “And if it’s bothering you, I’ll just tell Chrissy to turn it down.” They got to texting their girlfriend immediately.

In seconds the music turned off but Connor’s blood was still boiling.

“Now Connie, tell me why that made you so angry.” They sat down beside Connor, being very careful not to touch him.

Connor managed to hiss out that he was almost done with a song and the music fucked up his train of thought. Jamie plucked the piece of paper from his fingers and their eyes went wide.

“Connor, this is really good!” They set their hand on Connor’s shoulder with a grin and Connor felt the tension leak from his body slowly.

“Even though I didn’t get to finish it?” He asked quietly, running his hand through his hair in attempt to calm down. He had let it grow out almost all the way to his knees, and sometimes he felt a bit like Rapunzel when it was down.

“Hey, it’s way better than what we originally had to work with! Though I am curious as to why it feels more wistful than upset. Anger tends to be your go to.”

Connor blushed. “Well, we’ve always had a talent for fucking with tradition. Maybe this album can be a little slower? We could always twist it to make it angry though.” Jamie and Andrea smiled at Connor and the brunet felt himself relax. He doesn’t know what he’d do if his bandmates weren’t so understanding and compassionate.

Jamie set to tweaking it while Andrea and Connor thought about how it would sound, what instruments they'd use, how the lines would be sung, and so forth.

“Should we go for more drums and piano than usual or…?” Andrea had started mixing pre-recorded clips on her computer and Connor thought about how this would fit with the rest of the album. The other songs were mainly guitar and vocal, and they didn’t use piano too often, though Jamie could play it and they had an electric keyboard in the bus.

“How is this gonna fit with the other songs?” Connor said, unable to figure it out by himself.

“We could always save this for another album?” Jamie suggested, furiously erasing something. Connor hoped it wasn’t anything he poured his heart and soul into.

“I mean… _we could_ but we also need to finish this.” Connor looked back at Andrea’s screen. “I like the tone of it at the moment but if Jamie changed some of the lines it could come off as like… a missed opportunity and frustration?”

The three of them worked well into the night and they didn’t realize it was early morning until someone pounded on their door.

Jamie opened it and Jared was standing there, eyebags prominent under his glasses. “You’re really lucky we don’t have a show today.” He growled.

“Oh, did we keep you up?” Jamie asked, clearly concerned for Jared’s group. Or maybe they were just concerned for their girlfriend. Either way there was no malice or teasing in their voice.

“No fucking shit. If we die behind the wheel, it’s your fault.” Jared stomped off and Jamie stood there with a blank look in their eyes.

“Connor, I used to wonder why you hated him. Used to.” Jamie shut the door and ran their hands through their messy curls. They’d bleached it at the ends, and planned to dye it like Andrea, but found they liked the blond tips.

Connor stood and rested his hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry he was shitty to you. Do you want me to beat him up?”

Within seconds a smile appeared on Jamie’s face. “No, he was probably tired. I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that.” Jamie tended to shove their feelings down for the sake of keeping the peace. Connor didn’t feel comfortable forcing Jamie to talk about it, since the first time he tried, Jamie blew up at him. It was safer to let them work their own stuff out.

“Anyway, we should probably hit the road soon, yeah?” Jamie started packing up their stuff and Connor saw the way their hands trembled with repressed anger… or maybe anxiety? Connor wasn’t great at reading other people’s emotions.

Andrea shooed them out so she could get dressed and Jamie and Connor sat in the cramped bathroom while they waited. They didn’t have a problem getting changed in front of her, but she didn’t like doing so in front of them.

Which Connor was fine with, they all had their own boundaries, but they were both too tall to get changed in the tiny motel bathroom.

“Why are you pouting, Connie?” Jamie asked while they did their makeup in the mirror. Connor grumbled as he attempted to pull his shirt on again, bumping his elbows harshly on both the wall and the shower door. “Do you need help?” Jamie teased and Connor rolled his eyes, shoving his head through the arm hole.

Jamie helped him untangle himself and brush his hair, which usually needed two people. Thankfully Jamie liked doing hair. They learned to braid for their little sisters, and immediately took over helping Connor with his.

“How long are we gonna drive today?” Jamie asked absently, separating Connor’s hair into sections.

“A couple hours, maybe a day if we stop at a restaurant for dinner.” The three of them were never late to a show, but they did tend to cut it pretty close.

“That doesn’t sound too bad.” Jamie hummed with a smile, and before Connor knew it his hair was wrapped into a low bun. “Don’t go snagging that on anything, I spent a lot of time on it.”

“I’ll try, you know how hard it is to keep it out of my way when I’m playing.” Connor got his hair stuck in his guitar strings once when they were first starting out, needless to say that show did not go well.

“I know, just be careful.” Jamie gave him a kiss on the forehead, leaving a bright pink glittery lip print in their wake. “We’ll get going once you’re ready.”

Connor looked down at the chipped polish at his hands and then at his own reflection. He wondered if Miguel ever thought about him like he did. Was it creepy that he did reminisce? Does Miguel still hate him, or was he already over Connor?

Connor didn’t know which would hurt more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On stage Jamie was unhinged, and a little scary. In interviews they were polite but never said much.  
> 2AM at a Taco Bell after a show was prime time for Jamie to go completely wild and act like themself.  
> \--  
> UH I HIGHKEY HATE THIS CHAPTER BUT LIKE ITS DONE SO TAKE IT

It took a lot longer to finish the album than Connor would’ve liked, but it was finally done. It had ten songs that all flowed together pretty nicely, Honey Brown Eyes being the final track on the set list. They weren’t planning to do it live, but the second it was done their manager argued that they should ‘at least give their fans a preview.’

Connor liked her, really, he did, but she happened to be one of the few people that remembered him from high school. Alana Beck was constantly on the move, and she tended to not have much time for them. When she did though, she always finished at least a month’s work in an hour. Then she’d be on her way again. Not only was she managing them and other bands, but she was trying to run for office. Connor’s never met anyone as ambitious as her and sometimes it was a little frightening.

Anyway, that ambitiousness and organization came with a price as it tended to rush them and push them to their limits. They only had 30 minutes to choose one of the songs and run through it once or twice before their show.

Jamie wanted to play something a little less emotional with a little more screaming, but like always Andrea pushed for the song Connor wrote. The one he impulsively wrote about his first love. The one that his first love might hear and confront him over.

“No, absolutely not.” Connor had said, crossing his arms over his chest.

…

The studio lights shined in Connor’s eyes as he looked out over the sea of fans. The added phone flashlights and special effects weren’t helping much, but at this point Connor was used to being blinded. He took hold of the microphone and swallowed before speaking.

“Okay everybody, we’re gonna be doing things a little differently tonight,” Connor’s smile was plastered on painfully, but he was sure no one in the crowd noticed. They never did. “We recently finished our next album and figured we could give you a preview of one of the songs!”

The crowd would’ve drowned Connor out completely with their screams if this was his first rodeo. Connor took a deep breath and put his hands in place on the guitar. Jamie gave the signal and Connor just let it out. All the pent-up shit from nearly 12 years ago was poured out of him explosively, his fingers moving along the strings expertly.

His hair covered his face, only half of it was put up tonight and Connor was glad for it because unless you were standing right in front of him you couldn’t see the tears. He didn’t even register when they’d finished, the cheering suddenly raising in volume. Connor’s hands were shaking, and they said the generic Goodnight to whatever city they were in before hurrying off the stage to let the next band set up.

But that wasn’t it, because of course it wasn’t. Alana pushed them to do autographs and photos afterword, and when the three of them arrived in the break area she was standing there with a clip board and a smile.

“Okay, so you have about an hour or so before everyone is finished, would that be enough time to relax?” She asked, sounding like she didn’t know how much time human beings needed to unwind. Connor wouldn’t be surprised if she’s never taken a sick day in her entire life.

“Yeah, I think that’ll work.” Andrea returned with a genuine smile to rival Alana’s fake looking one. (Though he was sure Alana was actually genuinely happy, it always looked artificial or forced.) “Just text us or something when you need us to come out.”

Alana nodded and then she hurried out, flipping through papers on her board and writing furiously. Connor wondered if her handwriting was still perfect when she walked. He wouldn’t be shocked if it was.

“Are you–?” Jamie started with a rough voice. They immediately paused and held up one finger, grabbing their water bottle from their bag and taking a sip before continuing. “Are you okay Connor?”

“Uh, yeah,” Connor resisted the urge to wipe his eyes. His makeup was sticky, and it made his face itch. “Yeah, no, I’m fine.”

“Your eyeliner ran.” Andrea pointed out bluntly, sitting down beside him. “We don’t have to do the photos if you’re not up for it, Alana would understand.”

Connor swallowed and shook his head. He’d cried after their first set too. It never got easier spilling his feelings, even if no one knew they were his. “I’m good.” He got up and told them he was going to fix his face with a false chipper tone.

There was no one waiting for the bathroom and Connor, flooded with relief, started walking faster. He didn’t notice the person in front of him and by the time he did it was too late. Connor crashed into them, sending both of them to the ground.

“What the fuck is your–!”

Connor met eyes with Jared, because of course it had to be _Jared_ he ran into, and the shorter brunet went completely silent. He looked at Connor slowly, like he was tracing the lines of his face with his eyes and then coughed awkwardly, getting up off the floor. To Connor’s surprise, he reached out his hand.

“Uh… sorry.” He mumbled.

Connor took his hand and pulled himself up, straightening his jacket. The second Connor was on his feet, Jared pulled away and took off, mumbling that he had things to do. After a minute, Connor could hear again, and he turned to see two people with backstage passes and their phones out. They were squealing excitedly, and Connor felt his stomach churn with dread.

The brunet rushed into the bathroom, fixing his makeup like he intended to, before checking Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. 

There was nothing there, and Connor almost breathed a sigh of relief until he checked the hell site, Tumblr. This was his least favorite platform considering the worst kinds of fans tended to be on it. There were some nice ones, but the majority of the posts bashing him or writing ‘x reader’ fics were usually on Tumblr. (And that’s not even including the people who sexualize Andrea or use the wrong pronouns for Jamie. That was a whole other mess that originated on the app.)

He hadn’t been tagged, because Connor wasn’t active on any of his accounts, but Jared was. And Connor had to follow him for… rivalry reasons. He wasn’t obsessed, shut up. 

There was a photo set of Jared helping him up, and two blurred photos of both men running away. Below it, Jared’s user was tagged.

**kleinphy-enthusiast: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ITS HAPPENING!! @the-insanely-cool IS THIS REAL?**

Connor rested his forehead on the dirty bathroom mirror. “Shit.” He whispered to himself. “Shit, shit, shit.”

…

By the time Connor returned to the breakroom, it had been reposted thousands of times, screenshotted and posted onto other websites, and retweeted/posted off those. Connor was met with Andrea and Jamie frantically updating their own accounts, trying to remind fans that Connor and Jared are people and should be shown respect.

They were getting harassed too it seemed.

He shut the door behind him audibly and both of them looked up in shock. Jamie tossed his phone across the room vaguely toward the couch and Andrea stuffed it under her leg. Real subtle.

“Connor! How are you feeling?” Jamie approached with forced sweetness like they weren’t doing anything. Not that Connor cared if they were posting about it. They probably thought he had no idea this was happening.

“I’m… fine.” Connor answered slowly, sure his face betrayed him. He could tell by his hands that his skin had gone pale, and the still slightly too smudged makeup wasn’t really helping. 

“Have you… checked your phone?” Jamie asked, placing a tentative hand on Connor’s arm. They were looking at Connor with a mix of guilt and pity. Connor nodded and Andrea patted the couch for him to sit down.

The brunet’s mouth went dry. “The uh… ‘kleinphy’ posts, right?” He replied hesitantly, lifting his own phone from his pocket. Thankfully it wasn’t blowing up with notifications, but Jared was probably not doing great. Jared had both a verified account and one for the band as a whole, and he was sure both blogs were getting spammed and harassed. He wasn’t about to go and check on the other man, they certainly weren’t close enough for that, even when they were in the same frightening situation.

Alana came in shortly after Jamie started comforting him and her eyes were wide with disbelief. “Have you guys seen the–”

“The kleinphy shit. We know.” Andrea answered, leaning her head on Connor’s shoulder. The brunet seriously appreciated the physical attention considering he felt so numb at the moment. It helped him feel grounded.

“I completely understand if you want to fly under the radar for a little bit, so just head out. There’s no need to do any photos when Connor’s already had one taken.” Alana’s attempts at jokes always tended to fall flat. Andrea gave her a stern glare and Alana’s smile faltered. “I… I’m sorry. Everything will blow over soon. I’ll make sure of it.”

Connor wasn’t sure if he could trust that she had that much influence, but there wasn’t anything else he could do really. He _had_ to trust her at this point.

Connor was ushered out by Jamie, who seemed to have gone into Parental mode, and Andrea who took him by the arm. Since Connor wasn’t really in shape to drive, Jamie took the wheel. They googled for a nearby motel, and the bus was eerily silent.

Jamie was usually talkative, and when Andrea wasn’t napping, she tended to play music or idly chat with Connor if he was feeling up to it. All Connor could hear from the passenger seat was Andrea typing on her phone. The patter of her nails against the screen was louder than it should’ve been.

“Are you hungry?” Jamie eventually asked, adjusting the mirror so they could look at Connor.

“No, I’m good.” Connor answered, leaning back on the half-couch to stare at the ceiling. Watching the road whip by was starting to hurt his head.

Jamie kept their eyes on Connor for a moment, which was probably a second but it felt like a lifetime. Their eyes were calculating as they swept over Connor like he was an open book. Jamie looked away, and Connor exhaled slowly.

Then he realized the brunet had pulled into a fucking drive-through with the _tour bus_. Andrea looked up from her phone and immediately pinned Jamie with The Look. Her eyes screamed, “Is this really necessary? Is everything okay upstairs? Do you need some help sweetheart?”

Jamie pulled in, determined and rolled down the window. “What do y’all want from Taco Bell?” They asked, as if they weren’t sitting in a _tour bus_. It was so absurd, Connor had to laugh. He burst into giggles while Jamie ordered, the brunet already seeming pleased with themself.

Andrea reluctantly told Jamie to order her something, and then she turned in her seat. Connor wiped his eyes, and quieted when Andrea looked at him. She seemed tired, fed up, but… proud. Connor didn’t know what of, and he turned to look back at the ceiling, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

Jamie piped up suddenly. “Do you want ice-cream?” They asked Connor, before ordering one for him anyway. Connor huffed, knowing he wasn’t going to eat it. He was too nauseous to stomach anything.

The look on the cashier’s face when they pulled up to the window.

He could only imagine what they may be thinking right now.

Jamie, looking positively feral and wild, had ordered nearly twenty things, and then _pulled up in a tour bus_ , and on top of that turned out to be someone _famous_. Connor wondered if they shit themselves cause everyone in the Taco Bell got really quiet with shock.

Connor just started laughing extremely hard, his lungs hurting with the intensity of it. Andrea joined in and they all watched the poor cashier practically throw their food at them before asking if they wanted a receipt.

Jamie pulled an old receipt from their bag. “Do _you_?” That was when the cashier started laughing too, out of confusion and awe. Mostly confusion though. On stage Jamie was unhinged, and a little scary. In interviews they were polite but never said much.

2AM at a Taco Bell after a show was prime time for Jamie to go completely wild and act like themself.

Andrea tipped the cashier generously, probably experiencing second hand embarrassment, and then Jamie hit the gas so hard the tires squealed. It was for show and they all knew it. That was the thing that made them great on stage; they loved making a scene.

“You’re crazy, you know that? Positively feral,” Connor leaned over the driver’s seat and Jamie grinned.

“If you didn’t like it you would’ve left a long time ago, What does that say about you, huh?” They slammed on the brake at a red light and Connor hit his face on the back of Jamie’s headrest.

“I’m disowning you both.” Andrea informed them, trying not to smile.

“Oh yeah? I had no idea I was adopted. Where are my papers, Mom?” Jamie snarked, slamming on the gas again when the light turned green. People on the street looked confused, and that was fair considering Jamie was making the bus hit Mach speeds, swerving around corners like they were on a race track.

“You’re such a shit. I’m telling Alana,” Andrea took out her phone and Jamie slowed down a bit.

“C’mon… don’t rat me out. Can we have just one night of stupidity before going back to being proper role models for the youth?” Jamie whined, meeting her eyes. Andrea faltered and she looked to Connor, who was also begging to have just a little bit of a distraction.

“Fine, but don’t drive crazy here. Wait till we get to the freeway.”

Jamie smirked then, the sharp edges of their face defined with it. It made their pastel purple lipstick and eyeshadow look unfitting for once, and Connor could see Jamie pulling off the goth and scary look relatively well. He reminded himself internally to ask Jamie if he could do their makeup for a day when his face hit the headrest again.

This time, all three of them laughed, the worries of the night forgotten; at least for now anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jesus Christ, quit stalking me. I just needed to breathe.”  
> “Right, _I’m_ the stalker.” Jared scoffed, running a hand through his hair, his other plucking the cigarette from his mouth so he could blow the smoke out.  
> “Like I planned to see you here.”   
> “Mmhm.” Jared hummed instead of saying anything of substance. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I HATE THIS STILL!!! BUT IM NOT A COWARD SO IM UPLOADING IT ANYWAY! (There is NSFW at the end of this chapter and mentions of sex and stuff throughout the whole thing.)

Connor woke up on the floor of the tour bus with makeup smeared all over his face, his hair was tangled, and there was probably fast food grease on his clothes. He sat up, blinking to try and stop the sun from piercing his retinas. Jamie was asleep in the passenger seat, curled up on their side. Their brown hair was half in and half out of their pony tail, and they looked like a mess.

Andrea was also completely passed out, her mouth slightly open to allow her to breathe. Her hair was in her eyes and partially covering her face.

Connor got up, running his fingers through his hair. He pulled at tangles, ignoring the way his rings got caught in them. His scalp tingled, but he was too tired to pay attention to the pain. His body was still numb with sleep anyway.

Then, he got up and shook Andrea’s shoulder to wake her. She was a light sleeper so it didn’t take much effort to rouse her. She jumped and pulled red dyed strands of hair out of her mouth, looking around to possibly yell at whoever woke her.

She noticed it was Connor and her frustrated expression melted. Andrea knew Connor hated being alone with his thoughts. She opened the mirror in the passenger seat and set about fixing her makeup and hair. Andrea wiped her whole face with a makeup wipe, offering one to Connor, when they heard the Click of a camera.

Andrea elbowed Jamie sharply in the stomach to wake them, and scrambled to pull the blinds to cover the windoes. Connor helped wrench them shut and they all took deep breaths.

Alana was going to kill them.

…

@butterscotchpear: CAN YOU BELIEVE CONNOR AND ANDREA ARE TOGETHER??? #condrea

@kutekleinsen: HA. THAT’S WHAT THE KLEINPHY SHIPPERS GET! THIS IS PROOF CONNOR IS STRAIGHT! #condrea4ever !

@cacticast: Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell Connor is straight (have you seen him?) My theory is Jamie and Connor are f*cking; after all Jamie used to be a guy. Obviously Connor wouldn’t want to be involved with someone with a v*gina. #conmie

@kleinphy-hell: What are you talking about??? Andrea and Connor are just friends? Besides, you don’t know that Jared wasn’t in the bus with them (eyes emoji.) #kleinphy 

@1000words responding to @kleinphy-hell: this whole thing is a joke. everyone knows jared and evan are dating. besides, jared hates connor with a burning passion, this is a well-known fact. #kleinsen

@kleinphy-hell responding to @1000words: Clearly you haven’t seen the pictures of them…

Connor’s head hurt, but he kept reading the tweets even though they made him feel sick. Their makeup and lipstick were smudged, so that led tabloids to claim they were furiously making out moments before the picture was taken.

The internet was swept up in a rage for various reasons, and Connor tended to only agree with small portions of each tweet.

Yes, he was gay, but _No_ he didn’t and would never get romantically involved with someone for specifically their genitals?

Jared clearly wasn’t in the bus with them, he had his own tour bus and probably stayed in a hotel– but that wouldn’t matter anyway? Just because Connor’s lipstick is smudged doesn’t mean he was fucking someone moments prior?

Sure he looks disheveled, but that didn’t mean it was from an explicit activity.

Connor’s stomach was churning with nerves and after reading a tweet with a link to explicit fanfiction involving Connor, Jamie, and Jared, he grabbed a plastic trashcan beside him and threw up inside it.

Andrea gently rubbed his back, but she looked just as ill as Connor. She may as well have been waiting for her turn to throw up. Jamie was not as bothered as the other two were, but they did look incredibly uncomfortable.

They were all sitting on an uncomfortably modern couch in Alana’s apartment, waiting for her to say something. Connor only felt a little bad for using her trashcan.

Alana paced in front of them with a grave expression. “How do we fix this?” She said, and all three of the musicians individually thought _’If I knew it would be fixed already.’_ Alana sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. She was muttering exasperatedly beneath her breath. “If we say it wasn’t sexual, then you were out on a bender, but if we do say it was, you three could be arrested for public indecency.” The rest of her words were spoken through clenched teeth.

Connor’s stomach decided that was the perfect time to throw up again. He barely ate last night, so it was mostly water and stomach acid.

Alana ignored Connor’s wellbeing for once. “You three. I told you not to get in any trouble.” Alana started, with a sugar sweet voice. Her smile was plastered on but her eyes screamed that she was furious. “I told you again, and again, and again, to be respectful and well behaved off stage,” She laughed and covered her eyes. “And what do you three go and do? Harass a fast food place? Get tickets for speeding? Pass out in your fucking tour bus over night?” She slammed her hand down on the coffee table beside her before taking a deep breath.

“Excuse me for a moment.” She whispered through gritted teeth before exiting the room.

Connor looked up from the plastic bin and noticed Jamie was on the verge of tears. They buried their face in their hands and Connor noticed they were trying to get their breathing under control. Connor shifted closer on the couch and Jamie looked up at him.

“Touch okay?” He asked, even though his throat was raw and his breath probably smelled like vomit.

“Mm.” Jamie murmured, and Connor leaned in to press his face against their shoulder. Jamie wiped their eyes, pressing their fists against them to try and stop crying.

“Fuck, we’re grown adults for fucks sake.” Jamie whispered, their voice scratchy and choked up. “I’m so sorry, this is all my fucking fault, if I hadn’t decided to… if I…” Jamie dissolved completely, and Andrea moved to their side of the couch to sit beside them so Jamie was in the middle.

“It’s not your fault. I could’ve stopped you.” Andrea scoots closer to them until their thighs are touching and Jamie lets out a choked laugh.

“No wonder people think we’re all dating.” Jamie muttered, getting confused looks from Andrea and Connor.

“What?” Connor asked.

“Well look at us. We’re all over each other. I’m more affectionate with you guys then I am with my girlfriend.” Jamie’s eyes dulled and Connor rubbed their back.

“I wonder what Chrissy thinks of all this.” Their voice was numb and defeated.

“Have you texted her?” Connor asked nervously, unsure where this conversation is leading.

“No she’d… she’d fucking kill me.” Jamie muttered, keeping their eyes trained on the pristine carpet flooring. 

Andrea sighed, “James, we talked about this. She’s not going to like that you’re delaying conversations with her. It might lead her to think you did actually cheat on her last night.”

“It wouldn’t make a difference anyway,” Jamie scoffed. “She’s already pissed with me about something.”

Connor felt like he was getting whiplash. “What’s going on?” Had they been talking without him?

Jamie looked up, wiping mascara off their face. They looked ashamed. “Chrissy’s been threatening to break up with me for a while. I didn’t wanna tell you because you had enough going on.”

Connor was dumbstruck. “What could you possibly be doing that’s so bad?”

Jamie scoffed. “I spend too much time with you guys. Don’t text her,” They eyed the smeared mascara on their hands with distain. “I’m not as affectionate either.”

Connor couldn’t really relate considering the only ‘relationship’ he has right now is with Jared and it’s a bitter rivalry that isn’t sexually tense at all, no way. Then something clicked.

“You should’ve told me. Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Connor struggled to find his words. “Besides, I know how you feel. With Miguel–”

“Connor that was years ago.” Jamie cut in, and it felt like a slap to the face. “I’m shocked you’re still talking about it.”

Connor fell short.

And he regrouped.

“Yeah… yeah you’re right, sorry.”

He patiently waited for the ground to swallow him whole.

…

Unfortunately, they still needed to be on stage. They still had to go to interviews. All the questions boiled down to, “Are any or all of you fucking?” to which they responded no or no comment. Alana was still working on what they could say to fix things, so they needed to just focus on performing.

The rivalry shit still hasn’t died down though, because of course it hasn’t, so Connor catches Jared’s eye as the brunet waits to be called on stage.

This time, Jared was put before them. They weren’t doing so hot, Connor was going to be honest. He noticed Christine was death glaring Jamie the whole time, and he wondered how he didn’t notice that before.

She wasn’t being subtle with it after all, and Jamie looked heartbroken all over again when they saw the look on her face.

Jared kept their eyes locked for a long minute, intense hatred bleeding from his eyes and burning into Connor’s. Sometimes he wished it would all die down but then Jared would say something like ‘I fucked your mom’ and the cycle would restart.

Jared finished his solo, and then they were done. The crowd was screaming and Jared said a farewell of some kind into the mic before blowing a kiss– he always did after a show. It made Connor’s blood boil.

When they crossed paths, Jared grabbed the collar of his shirt.

“Stop fucking distracting me. I’ve had enough of you off stage, I don’t need anything more when I’m performing.”

He couldn’t say anything else because one of his other bandmates, Nathan, grabbed him and dragged him off with a disappointed glare. Christine pinned Jamie with another stare and only broke it when they were called up.

Connor touched Jamie on the shoulder and mouthed “I’m sorry.” Jamie shrugged and got into position, their trademark smile seeming slapped on.

Connor supposed he was focusing on his own fakeness too much to notice his friend’s. He really was a self-centered prick, just like Jared said he was.

They played a number of songs– Honey Brown Eyes being one of them. Jamie rolled their eyes when Andrea plucked out the beginning chords, and Connor felt sick.

He still grabbed the mic anyway, brushing his hair from his face to see the crowd clearer. Lights were shining right into his pupils and he started singing instinctively. He felt like everything was blurred at the edges, and maybe that was from the lights or maybe it was the ill feeling choking him up.

He preferred to think it was the lights when he noticed a familiar face in the crowd.

Dark curls bounced on top of his head, freckles lined his nose, and there was a birthmark on his neck. Connor fucked up the next line. And the next one. And the next.  
Then the song was over.

The person was nowhere to be seen.

His throat felt like it was being squeezed shut.

Andrea dragged him off stage and he batted her hands away. Air. He needed air.

Connor stepped outside, collapsing against the cold stone wall. He could see the posts now! Connor Murphy almost passes out on the stage! Connor Murphy fucked too much last night and couldn’t sing because of it! Connor Murphy does crack cocaine!

“What the fuck is your problem?”

Connor jumps and slams his head backwards against the stone. Jared. It was just Jared. Connor’s mind came back online and he scowled.

“Jesus Christ, quit stalking me. I just needed to breathe.”

Jared had a cigarette dangling from his lips and Connor would’ve complained if he didn’t clear a pack in two days. “Right, _I’m_ the stalker.” Jared scoffed, running a hand through his hair, his other plucking the cigarette from his mouth so he could blow the smoke out.

“Like I planned to see you here.” Connor crossed his arms over his chest, noticing the goose bumps that were showing up. In between intrusive thoughts of trying to scratch the goose bumps off, he reminded himself to get a new jacket. The sleeves of his shirt were torn off purposefully and while it looked good, it wasn’t very comfortable.

“Mmhm.” Jared hummed instead of saying anything of substance. Connor looked up at the sky, letting the wind bite his cheeks tauntingly. He took a deep breath through his nose, and it stung, but it served its purpose. He didn’t feel like he was on the verge of a panic attack anymore at least.

Connor reached for the door handle and Jared gave him a look.

“What?”

“That’s it?” Jared asked, in response to Connor’s question, like a fucking idiot. “You’re not gonna rough me up for throwing you off?”

Connor paused and Jared pushed on.

“I saw. You fucked up your last song. You don’t usually do that.”

Connor swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. He let go of the door and exhaled, watching his breath dissipate in the cold air. “I know.”

“And that was my fault so?” Jared tilted his head. “You’re not even gonna suck my dick?”

Connor tensed. “You’re disgusting.”

“And? You like it so really that’s on you.” Jared took another deep drag of his cigarette and Connor wrinkled his nose. He snatched it from him, ignoring the shout of protest from the shorter man. He put it to his own lips and inhaled, sucking up at least half of it. White ashes crumbled and fell to the floor, and Connor gave him the stub when he was finished.

“Fuck you.” Jared threw it down and ground it beneath his heel, but he didn’t move to do anything to Connor for stealing it.

“Not today, apparently.” Connor moved to leave again when Jared wrapped his arm around his waist.

“Quit whining you baby,” He pushed the taller man until Connor was pinned against the wall. “Do you want this or not?”

Connor wondered if it was a good idea to fuck someone after recovering from a panic attack, but he didn’t have to wonder for long. He impulsively grabbed Jared by the front of his shirt and connected their lips.

Jared smirked and Connor pinched him aggressively in the side. The brunet was hardly fazed; Connor doesn’t usually play nice when he’s frustrated. And when he was with Jared, that was all the time.

“Are you going to actually fuck me or are you gonna just slam me against the wall a couple of times before sending me back to my bus?” Connor spat, getting a dark look from the shorter man.

“You’re such a little shit Murphy. Someone should put you in your place.” Jared’s voice lacking the teasing edge that another couple might have. His words were tinged with disrespect and hatred and. Connor hated that he liked it.

“Fucking make me, Kleinman.”

Jared wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. He slid ice cold fingers down Connor’s stomach, making the brunet’s muscles shiver. It was a strange feeling. Jared undid his belt, pushing Connor further up the wall so Connor had to wrap his legs around him.

Connor wanted to punch him when his hand wrapped around his dick, the cold outweighing any pleasure he could’ve felt. He lifted one heeled boot and slammed it against Jared’s back with a glare directed at him.

“What? You’re warm.” Jared’s thumb pressed into Connor’s slit and the brunet tried to move away from it, only succeeding in slamming his head on the wall behind them. Connor sniffled pitifully and wanted to shoot himself in the face for it when a smirk stretched Jared’s lips. “Did the poor baby get a boo boo?”

Connor dragged his nails down his back and leaned in to bite his neck. Biting during sex wasn’t meant to break skin, but Connor really didn’t care. Jared cursed when Connor’s teeth dug in just a tad too far.

The brunet choked on his next breath when Jared retaliated with a tight painful squeeze.

“Don’t be an asshole or I will blue ball you.”

Connor scoffed but he did keep his teeth to himself after that. Jared leaned closer, his hot breath ghosting over Connor’s neck. The taller man hated that he instinctively pressed into the warmth. Jared’s jacket shielded him from the cold and Connor tucked his face into Jared’s shoulder.

“No insults? No taunts for me to go faster?” Jared mused softly. He smelled like smoke and shitty decisions.

“Whatever, I’m tired.” Connor ignored the fact that it came out like a whimper. Jared, for once, didn’t comment on it.

“You’re weird, Murphy.” Jared’s teeth pressed against Connor’s neck, but it wasn’t as aggressive as it normally is. Connor felt his breath catch.

“Fuck off, you’re the one who grabbed me by the dick. H-How am I the weird one?”

Jared hummed, pressing closer until Connor was absolutely pinned. Their chests pressed together and Connor felt Jared’s belt dig into his stomach.

“For letting me.”

**Author's Note:**

> "Smash that like button and leave a comment down below if you disagree" - Griffin McElroy
> 
> hope you enjoyed this trash, here's my social media because im awful  
> tumblr: holybeecoconut  
> discord: HolyCoconut #6680 (I also have a server for my writing if you're interested)


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